The Magic 3Ws

Ever have a moment you regretted? You know, one of those times where you were feeling on the edge…and then someone did something, and you let loose and gave them a tongue lashing.

And then felt bad about it an hour later.

Yeah, we’ve all been there sometime or the other.

The problem is, as long as we are human, there will be times when it is hard to keep our composure. However, here’s an ugly secret:

We might feel powerful when we are having a good yell. However, the opposite is true. When we have a “lose it” moment, we are throwing away our power.

When we have a yelling event, no one really listens to the content of our words. They only feel the content of our voice. They might try to match our anger or feel afraid, but it is not likely that their hearts or attitudes will change. It is unlikely that they will problem-solve with us in those moments.

So, if you would like to protect your power and hopefully get people’s cooperation in a healthy way, may I suggest trying the Magic 3Ws practice?

What are the Magic 3Ws?

The Magic 3Ws aren’t really magic. They are mindful. However, when practiced often, they work almost like magic to help you maintain your composure, and thus your power.

(Mindfulness practices are activities that you can do to slow down, focus on the moment, and be self-aware.)

The 3Ws is a mindfulness practice that works like this:

Every day, take a moment. Stop and take a couple of deep breaths.

Then, write down the answers to these 3 W questions:

What am I feeling?

What am I feeling right now in my body? Are my shoulders tense? Is my jaw clenched? Am I feeling physical pain?

What emotions am I feeling right now? Happy, sad, irritated, happy, content?

(This is a good time to notice if there is any HALT going on: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?)

Don’t judge the physical feelings and emotions. They are what they are.

Why am I feeling that way?

There is always a reason you are feeling what you are feeling. Don’t judge. Simply write down why you might be feeling the way you are feeling.

Perhaps you haven’t had anything to eat or are dehydrated.
Maybe you haven’t had five minutes all day to sit down and breathe.
Perhaps you have been scrolling angry, clickbait social media for too long.
Maybe someone has just said unkind things to you.

What am I going to do about it?

Here’s the important W. When we ask ourselves what we are going to do about what we are feeling, we are giving ourselves permission to make a choice.

We are more vulnerable to “losing it” when we feel backed into a corner with no choices.

But the truth is, there are always choices. Maybe the choices are hard or irritating, but if YOU choose the choice, then YOU keep your power. For instance, you can choose:

I feel justifiably angry, and I will breathe and walk away until I figure out how I need to address this.
I feel justifiably angry, but I know that I don’t change people with anger. I will choose grace and practice civil discourse.
I feel hungry as what right now, so I’m going to get something worthwhile to eat.
I feel irritated right now, but I know I’m tired, so I’ll get some rest and choose what to do tomorrow.

If we make a regular 3Ws practice, we become more nimble at staying composed and keeping our power. That’s pretty cool!

Whenever we make a rational choice, we use the smart part of our brain. So, stay smart! You are worth it.

More from Vicki Tillman, LPCMH, BCC

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